"Expectation is the root of all heartache." You're telling me, Shakespeare.
Autumn came with expectations, questions, and fears. New city, new school, new year, new chapter of life, and all with no idea of what would happen during my time at UW. Though I walked in with many preconceived notions of what school is and should be, I had little knowledge of what academic pursuits called me, and my main goal for my Freshman year was to learn what path I wanted to explore.
I registered as part of an Engineering FIG, thinking that a FIG would not only help me explore my academic interest but would also allow me to better form a close community in the giant city I now called home. With a few classes added on top of a 14-credit FIG, I thought that my schedule would be clear and easy to navigate; my classes were all relatively easy, and an 8:30 quiz section three days a week couldn't be THAT bad.
Mistake #1.
At least that's what I'd think at some point throughout the quarter. Easy classes, easy schedule, easy life? It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. I planned on an easygoing first quarter to help me adjust to college life, when in reality I'd end up in a panic-induced existential crisis at least twice a week. I never really learned how to deal with stress in high school.
My quarter started well; I loved most of my professors, I signed up for the University Chorale and the LDSSA leadership team, I was on Hall Council, and I was enjoying my life. I was constantly learning; in Engineering 101 I got to explore what I valued, and how those values related to the world around me. In English 111 I was learning to push the limits of what literature could do for communities, and I was thriving. My first paper got one of the highest scores in the entire class, and I felt truly secure in my grades and in my place as a student at UW.
Autumn came with expectations, questions, and fears. New city, new school, new year, new chapter of life, and all with no idea of what would happen during my time at UW. Though I walked in with many preconceived notions of what school is and should be, I had little knowledge of what academic pursuits called me, and my main goal for my Freshman year was to learn what path I wanted to explore.
I registered as part of an Engineering FIG, thinking that a FIG would not only help me explore my academic interest but would also allow me to better form a close community in the giant city I now called home. With a few classes added on top of a 14-credit FIG, I thought that my schedule would be clear and easy to navigate; my classes were all relatively easy, and an 8:30 quiz section three days a week couldn't be THAT bad.
Mistake #1.
At least that's what I'd think at some point throughout the quarter. Easy classes, easy schedule, easy life? It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. I planned on an easygoing first quarter to help me adjust to college life, when in reality I'd end up in a panic-induced existential crisis at least twice a week. I never really learned how to deal with stress in high school.
My quarter started well; I loved most of my professors, I signed up for the University Chorale and the LDSSA leadership team, I was on Hall Council, and I was enjoying my life. I was constantly learning; in Engineering 101 I got to explore what I valued, and how those values related to the world around me. In English 111 I was learning to push the limits of what literature could do for communities, and I was thriving. My first paper got one of the highest scores in the entire class, and I felt truly secure in my grades and in my place as a student at UW.
During this short period of blissful ignorance, I was somewhat struggling with Math 125; I was in no way prepared for the pace and depth of this math class, even though I already had AP credit for this class and figured it would be easy (Mistake #2). No matter what I did, I was one step behind of the material and just could not achieve mastery of the work I was meant to do. When my first quiz came back as a failing 12/40, I panicked. I was a straight-A student, I was a member of the Honors program, I had actually studied for once, and I had failed? What if I wasn't smart after all? What was I supposed to do now? All my life, I had defined myself as a smart person. When I was not athletic or graceful, when I was not talented or funny or stunning, I was intelligent, and I could depend on that intelligence to get me through life. Who was I without that?
Before I could spiral deeper into existential crisis, I attempted to pull myself together. I had another quiz next week. I put all of my time and energy into this one topic-- I WOULD pass this quiz. I wouldn't sleep until I knew that I could. I studied non-stop for the entire week, at times letting other classwork slip through the cracks. This behavior was clearly unhealthy for me, both mentally and physically, but it did its job. I aced that quiz, and I figured that I was out of the woods now that I knew how to pass this class.
Before I could spiral deeper into existential crisis, I attempted to pull myself together. I had another quiz next week. I put all of my time and energy into this one topic-- I WOULD pass this quiz. I wouldn't sleep until I knew that I could. I studied non-stop for the entire week, at times letting other classwork slip through the cracks. This behavior was clearly unhealthy for me, both mentally and physically, but it did its job. I aced that quiz, and I figured that I was out of the woods now that I knew how to pass this class.
After a conversation with my counselor, however, I realized that this could not be sustained, and that I had to find balance. I agreed to lay back a little on the math study, and that I would prioritize health over a single class. As my grades fell back again to well below my expectations, I came to the conclusion that it would be best for my future goals to change the grading of Math 125 to S/NS and retake it in the future. This was an incredibly difficult decision for me; I have always defined myself as a dedicated, persistent person, and it felt like I was quitting or giving up. Despite this, I knew that this is what was best for my academic goals, and I'd like to think that this experience helped me to grow and be more accepting of my own limits.
The expectations for my fall quarter were nowhere near correct, and that led to a lot of heartache. My near-constant struggle with identity crisis and anxiety inspired many tear-filled nights, and I sometimes wondered if I should even be at school. Despite this, I grew in ways I didn't know were possible. I was pushed to my limits, and I made it through.
Moving On:
The rest of Freshman year was an exercise in expanding my horizons and trying new things. If Autumn quarter had taught me one thing, it was that I wasn't as interested in Engineering as I had once thought I would be, and that I needed to look for a new direction fast.
I threw myself into Honors classes with full force. I figured that if there were any classes that could provide me with a unique perspective and get me excited about particular subjects, it would be an Honors class.
One of the first Honors classes I was Sea Level Rise and Variability. As interesting and compelling as I found the subject, I quickly learned that ice flow and essays about minute changes in ocean composition was not something that could hold my enthusiasm for long. I am grateful for the opportunities I've had to learn about such a relevant and crucial topic, but it's not the topic I want to study for the rest of my life.
This class, surprisingly enough, taught me more about research than anything else. Because the topic was highly data-driven and less conceptual, I was pushed to grow in my understanding of collecting and interpreting data. This was my first introduction to finding quality sources, interpreting data, and writing thoughtful essays. I was by no means a professional, but this gave me a first taste of what conducting research in a scientific field would look like.
I threw myself into Honors classes with full force. I figured that if there were any classes that could provide me with a unique perspective and get me excited about particular subjects, it would be an Honors class.
One of the first Honors classes I was Sea Level Rise and Variability. As interesting and compelling as I found the subject, I quickly learned that ice flow and essays about minute changes in ocean composition was not something that could hold my enthusiasm for long. I am grateful for the opportunities I've had to learn about such a relevant and crucial topic, but it's not the topic I want to study for the rest of my life.
This class, surprisingly enough, taught me more about research than anything else. Because the topic was highly data-driven and less conceptual, I was pushed to grow in my understanding of collecting and interpreting data. This was my first introduction to finding quality sources, interpreting data, and writing thoughtful essays. I was by no means a professional, but this gave me a first taste of what conducting research in a scientific field would look like.
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I also As I continued to take Honors classes, I had the privilege to take one of my favorite classes to this day: The Record Of Us All. At first, I enrolled because learning about historical records sounded interesting and because I needed the credits; by the time I I left the class, I was armed with more questions than answers and an unquestionable enthusiasm. Every assignment and lecture made me more excited about the various topics we covered; I found myself excited by the way records travelled and were translated through human populations. The topic was fascinating, but I found that the engagement and excitement of the entire class was even more important to me. I was surrounded by passionate, intelligent students and faculty who genuinely cared about what they were taught. There was no element of competition or memorizing facts to get a good grade on a test; instead, we were all excited about this niche subject together, and our conversation and togetherness contributed more to the wonderful environment than anything else.
This class threw me for a bit of a loop; I had always pictured myself in the sciences somewhere, but I enjoyed this class more than any I had previously experienced. I loved every assignment, and received feedback from my professor that moved me and made me think that this type of study was a possibility for me. I had absolutely no clue what to do with this information, and began to spiral into a loop of fear that sounded something like this: "I have no clue what I'm doing. Do I want to keep studying science? Do I even LIKE science? Did I choose this because I thought it would be easiest to find a career, and is that a good enough reason to choose a major if I did? What kind of science do I even want to do? Is it too late to change? I am clueless and terrified."
That loop continued on for the rest of me freshman year and well into my sophomore year, so that may be an important factor to remember. During most of the rest of these experiences, I was questioning every single action that I took and having a bit of a quarter-life crisis. As terrifying as that was, this class was crucial to my understanding of what I wanted out of my studies and career. I learned that I love finding how things fit together, and that my favorite way to learn is to have a thorough understanding of the big picture before delving into the details. I learned that writing and storytelling is something that I love, something that I want in my future (whatever that may be).
As I said before, this class left me with more questions than answers. All of a sudden there were a few extra pieces to a puzzle that I thought I had already solved, and I couldn't seem to make them fit. That being said, I found and excitement and enthusiasm in this class that I knew I wanted to find, wherever I went. I also found a professor that I admire and trust, who I visit every so often to reflect and catch up.
This class threw me for a bit of a loop; I had always pictured myself in the sciences somewhere, but I enjoyed this class more than any I had previously experienced. I loved every assignment, and received feedback from my professor that moved me and made me think that this type of study was a possibility for me. I had absolutely no clue what to do with this information, and began to spiral into a loop of fear that sounded something like this: "I have no clue what I'm doing. Do I want to keep studying science? Do I even LIKE science? Did I choose this because I thought it would be easiest to find a career, and is that a good enough reason to choose a major if I did? What kind of science do I even want to do? Is it too late to change? I am clueless and terrified."
That loop continued on for the rest of me freshman year and well into my sophomore year, so that may be an important factor to remember. During most of the rest of these experiences, I was questioning every single action that I took and having a bit of a quarter-life crisis. As terrifying as that was, this class was crucial to my understanding of what I wanted out of my studies and career. I learned that I love finding how things fit together, and that my favorite way to learn is to have a thorough understanding of the big picture before delving into the details. I learned that writing and storytelling is something that I love, something that I want in my future (whatever that may be).
As I said before, this class left me with more questions than answers. All of a sudden there were a few extra pieces to a puzzle that I thought I had already solved, and I couldn't seem to make them fit. That being said, I found and excitement and enthusiasm in this class that I knew I wanted to find, wherever I went. I also found a professor that I admire and trust, who I visit every so often to reflect and catch up.
My final project for The Record Of Us All
Feedback I received on the essay included above
As I pondered my new discoveries, I continued on the path that I was on to see where the sciences would take me, hopeful that I would find that excitement once again.
I took the first two Chemistry classes, Chemistry 142/Chemistry 152, and found that I didn't hate it as much as everyone else did. I also found that I was... kind of good at it? But I couldn't say it out loud, or that would DEFINITELY jinx it. The more I learned, the more I actually liked it. Of course there were days when I thought I would die if I heard one more word about the various orbitals, but I found myself getting really excited when I learned the chemistry behind the way the world works. I like to attribute this to my earlier-discovered love of figuring out how things work together. As it turns out, this doesn't just apply to history; I get just as excited when learning about the specific molecular reasons why I salt my water when boiling spaghetti. I guess it's in the little things!
In all honesty, I didn't adore chemistry with every fiber of my being, no matter how excited I occasionally was. I think a lot of this has to do with the vastly different learning environment; the general chemistry sequence are known as 'weed-out' classes, and I found it difficult to genuinely enjoy learning without easy access to my professor and small study groups. I think this is part of the reason that I was so worried that I was on the wrong path. I wasn't nearly as excited to go to class and learn as I had been in my non-STEM classes, so the comparison seemed a bit bleak. That being said, I recognized that I couldn't really get to 'the good part' unless I pushed through the general sequences and got to the more specific topics.
There was definitely a learning curve in the general chemistry classes I took, but I was fairly successful and relatively interested in the material, which gave me enough hope to continue on that path. I'm glad that I did; I ended up finding myself loving Organic Chemistry down the road, and taking these classes opened paths for me down the road to take classes that I truly enjoyed. Though I was panicked that I wasn't utterly enamored with thermal equilibrium, I have come to understand that not every moment will be enjoyable. No matter what major or career I chose, there were going to be classes I didn't love and tasks I didn't adore. That's part of life. However, I made a few friends along the way, learned a lot about working in a lab, and realized that even if Chem 152 ended up as my least favorite class, I was still in a pretty good position to enjoy the rest of my education. (It wasn't. And I plan to.)
I ended off the year in the RA training class. As a bit of background information, I spent most of this time being a dedicated member of Mercer Court Hall Council, and was excited about the prospect of becoming a student leader. I met amazing people, some that I'm still in contact with, and I learned a lot about my leadership style. My freshman year ended with a lot of warm fuzzy feelings, a lot of confusion about my path, and a lot of excitement for the year to come. I had built my community, found exciting opportunities, and learned a little bit more about myself.
I ended off the year in the RA training class. As a bit of background information, I spent most of this time being a dedicated member of Mercer Court Hall Council, and was excited about the prospect of becoming a student leader. I met amazing people, some that I'm still in contact with, and I learned a lot about my leadership style. My freshman year ended with a lot of warm fuzzy feelings, a lot of confusion about my path, and a lot of excitement for the year to come. I had built my community, found exciting opportunities, and learned a little bit more about myself.
Pictures taken at the UW Womxn celebration with the rest of the 2017-2018 Mercer Court Hall Council executive board